


even like this? - kagehina.

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depression, Haikyuu - Freeform, KageHina - Freeform, M/M, Romance, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 08:00:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27669890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Kageyama didn't know what to do when he found his lover's body limp on the ground, surrounded by blood. Did Hinata do this to himself? And why?
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 9
Kudos: 30





	even like this? - kagehina.

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Self harm, suicide, depression, anxiety, panic attacks. 
> 
> Hello everyone! This is my first work on here and I hope it's not too bad. I wrote this with the intent of diving deeper into the mind of somebody who is dealing with someone who has depression, as it is a tough position to be in. It was supposed to be longer, but with everything that is going on in my life right now, writing more about such a dark concept will probably break me... and so I hope you enjoy this short story of mine. Thank you so much for reading and feel free to tell me what you think about this story. It's not a very bright story so please please please do not read it if you're going through something rough as well.

Even Like This? – Kagehina. 

1.

Their relationship was like those of two brothers, two best friends and two lovers. They fought constantly, pissed each other off constantly, made each other blush constantly, and many other things you would also find in couples who were very visibly in love. They were just really comfortable with one another’s presence. Hinata’s loud, bubbly personality melted the ice cold Kageyama. He could do it any time he wished, too, poor Kageyama was wrapped around his finger. How could Kageyama not be? That bouncy hair, that bright laughter, anybody could see that this boy was the purest creature that God had ever blessed this planet with. 

Kageyama remembered the first time he realized that the butterflies in his stomach wasn’t something that best friends were supposed to send each other’s way. He had been tossing to Hinata, when the boy lost control of his jump and ended up stumbling. 

“Hinata! Can’t you pay attention to where you are jumping? For god’s sake, you’re an athlete, dumbass!”

“Ouch. Shut up, Kageya-“ 

The boy winced, unable to move his foot. 

Kageyama’s demeanor immediately changed. He quickly rushed to Hinata’s side, “Why? Does it hurt? Where? Do you need me to call Sugawara-senpai?”

“No, no. It’s okay.”

Apparently, on a later note, Hinata had described his eyes as the softest navy ocean in that moment, calming him down. He didn’t know it then, but when he carried Hinata to a nearby bench, his heart couldn’t stop hammering in his chest. He squatted and examined Hinata, who sat on the bench quietly, unsure of what to make out of Kageyama’s calm, caring side. 

“Does it still hurt?” 

“Hm? No, it’s alrig- Ouch! What the hell, Kageyama?”

Kageyama had nudged Hinata’s foot to see if it was really ‘okay’, making him lose balance, and almost falling forward. Hinata’s eyes were shut close. The boy was clutching his foot. However, Kageyama had caught him and Hinata’s face were too close for him to stay calm. He quickly steadied Hinata and walked away, trying to call the others so that they can make better decisions that he would. The only thing in his mind was Hinata. Hinata and those pink lips of his. 

Soon enough, their seniors came and immediately rushed over to Hinata. Daichi ended up carrying him to the hospital and Sugawara took care of everything else. Hinata actually fell asleep on the way there, and when they set him down on the hospital bed, he was still sound asleep. They had to shake him awake so that the doctor could look him over. After a short examination, the doctor concluded that he had only just sprained his ankle, and that if he rested for about two weeks, he would be alright. 

They told his parents, and well he spent those two weeks in the hospital. 

Not without Kageyama visiting almost every day. He didn’t know why he did, but he found himself yearning for the little tangerine. He missed tossing to him, missed bickering with him, missed seeing him smile, and all of the like. But he didn’t understand why. Hinata was just a teammate, right? He couldn’t possibly be anything else. Hinata did tell him that he was showing signs of being a simp, though, cause with every visit the tall boy would bring him snacks, he would get Hinata recordings of volleyball matches, and he would... stay. Just stayed, until the moon was on the rise. He calmly watched Hinata. And it was, to say the least, amusing for Kageyama as the little tangerine couldn’t really fight him back. A small move and his foot would hurt a lot, which meant that every time Kageyama teased him, he couldn’t really jump or pound on the taller boy. He would send daggers from his bed and least to say, Kageyama found it adorable. 

But Kageyama didn’t think much of it until that one day. 

When he visited Hinata, the orange-haired boy was sound asleep. He smiled at the sight. He noticed the sun peeking through the blinds to look at the precious boy. Look, even the sunlight wanted to watch him. As quiet as he could, he walked over and sat on the chair next to Hinata’s bed. 

Strands of that obnoxiously orange hair was blocking the boy’s face. As Kageyama reached out to push it out of his face, he felt a hand tug on its own. Hinata was wide awake. Kageyama, in shock, tried to yank his hand away. But Hinata had quite a strong grip, and Kageyama just gulped. “I’m sorry,” mumbled Kageyama. 

Hinata then did something he couldn’t predict. He placed Kageyama’s hand on his chest, where his heart was. Kageyama’s eyes widened as he realized that the rate his friend’s heart was beating matched his. Really fast and uneven, with small jumps from time to time. They stared at one another and Kageyama could feel his face flush harder. He was confused as to why, but Hinata’s puzzled face stated that he didn’t understand either. 

Hinata, with total confusion, began to speak. “Kageyama, I’ve been weird lately.”

“W-weird?”

“Whenever do you this,” he moved Kageyama’s hand to his head, moving it so that it would feel like Kageyama was ruffling his hair, “I feel something in my stomach.”

Kageyama didn’t even know how to react. 

“Whenever you’re close to me,” said Hinata. He tugged Kageyama’s arm so that he would move closer. They looked at each other for a second, Kageyama completely bare and vulnerable. Hinata didn’t even look flustered, he just looked confused. Like a child learning about things he had never heard of before. “My heart, it beats faster. It feels like it might jump out of my chest.”

“Kageyama,” he whispered as he leaned closer. Kageyama’s breath was stuck in his throat. “Tell me, what is this feeling?”

“Do you feel it too?”

Kageyama tried to move away, but Hinata just kept holding his arm. He didn’t understand why he was so nervous. Hinata’s his friend. Why was he telling Kageyama all sorts of things? What was going on? 

“Are you blushing?”

Kageyama looked away. As if turning towards the point of light will prove that he wasn’t. 

“You are.”

Kageyama quickly turned back to face Hinata, ready to give him a piece of his mind. But he felt something on his lips. Hinata was kissing him. 

It was just a peck at first, but Kageyama’s eyes were wide open. He was startled, to say the least. But the excitement in his stomach drove him nuts. Hinata pulled away, smiling nervously. Great, now he’s the one all blushing? After all that?

Kageyama then moved Hinata’s hands away from his arm, only to hold them gently. He then leaned closer. “May I?”

Hinata gulped and nodded. Kageyama brought his hand up to hold Hinata’s neck. So soft, so delicate. This boy was driving him crazy. First, he was brave, now he was scared. First, he was asking all these questions and was being all confident and now he was too shy to even say “Yes.”

They stayed like that for a while. Just staring at one another, hearts thumping out of their chests. They never really told each other about their experiences, but somehow, they knew that the little peck they just had was the closest the both of them have ever gotten to anything... well… physical. It was that feeling of floating in midair, of everything hitting you at once and you losing control over your own body. They were both damn sure they never felt anything like that before. Not with a girl. Even more, not with a boy. They wanted to live in that moment forever. Until Hinata let out a little squeak that broke Kageyama out of his trance.

“Kiss me, stupid.”

Kageyama scoffed, leaning closer and finally closing the gap between them. He felt Hinata smile into the kiss and good lord, he wouldn’t mind if he died then. The peeking sun from before seemed to smile at them, letting them get washed over with an orange ocean. 

At that moment, there was nobody else in the world but them. Nobody else mattered. Just them. Just the two dumb boys who didn’t have anything to do but quarrel over who could run faster. The space in Kageyama’s heart that was empty, it was now filled with this boy. 

They were both inexperienced, and their kisses were sloppy. Sometimes it would be too slow, and the other times they didn’t even know what they were doing. But when Kageyama pulled away to catch his breath, Hinata looked at him with a big smile, nodding towards him as if to tell him to kiss him again. 

Their chuckles filled the room for one second, and Hinata didn’t think he’d ever seen his friend smile that much before. And it was all because of him. That made Hinata overfill with joy. He was always happy, but at that moment… He couldn’t even describe what he was feeling. 

That’s the Hinata that Kageyama knew. The smiling one, the adorable one, the mischievous one, the gravitationally challenged one. 

So, months later, when Kageyama found Hinata unconscious on his bathroom floor with a small puddle of blood, you could only imagine the panic that rose within the tall boy. They hadn’t planned to hang out that day, but since Hinata’s parents and sister weren’t home, Kageyama decided he would come over. But he didn’t know what would welcome him.

“Hinata.”

Kageyama held onto Hinata like he was a porcelain doll. The cuts on his frail body made Kageyama sick to his stomach, he couldn’t bear looking at them. But looking at Hinata’s plain, numb expression broke him even harder. 

He looked around for a sharp object and found a cutter nearby. He picked it up, hands trembling and dropped it almost as soon as he held it. He didn’t want to believe it. 

“Hinata, Hinata, Hinata,” he repeated, like a spell. His lover’s body was still warm, he was still alive, but something within Kageyama had died along with this horrible sight. He couldn’t bear it; tears were coming out of his eyes like the heavy rainfall outside. 

His hands shook violently as he tried to get his phone out of his pocket. It took him three tries. The trembling of his body reached his lips, as he called the ambulance. He blurted out Hinata’s address, barely comprehensible. 

“Hinata, stay with me, hm?”

He mumbled into the boy’s hair, taking in his scent, trying to ignore the metallic air that his blood had created. “Hinata, what happened to you? What d-didn’t you tell me? W-why didn’t you tell me?”

The pain shot through his heart as he felt the blood eventually soak his shirt, and Hinata’s body getting even more limp in his arms. It was all so surreal that it almost numbed him. 

And when the ambulance finally arrived, he still felt like he couldn’t breathe. Like he shouldn’t breathe. His small, bouncy universe was hurting himself and Kageyama didn’t even know that. He didn’t deserve to breathe. 

As the medical team took his Hinata from him, he almost wanted to keep Hinata close. He was so scared. What if this was the last time that he could see that ball of sunshine? But he knew he had to let them take him away. They had to save him. He felt so helpless as he went inside the ambulance to assist Hinata, holding onto his hand. Tears just kept falling. 

When they reached the hospital, Kageyama still found himself heaving for air. He still couldn’t breathe properly. Not even when they rushed him to the emergency room, not even when they told him to go home because it might take a while. How could he go home? Who did they think they were, asking him to go home? The love of his life was bleeding, and he was told to go home?! 

Upon hearing his outburst, his yells, everybody in the corridors were quite alarmed. The nurses tried their best to calm him down, but he just couldn’t. They suggested that he call somebody. He couldn’t even respond to them anymore. His brain had stopped working. He tried to find somebody in his contacts, but his shaking hands just kept dropping his phone. Finally, his finger landed on Sugawara’s phone number. He, again, mumbled the details in an attempt to speak properly. 

He tried to sit down, waiting for his senior, with his knees bouncing up and down. Kageyama started biting his nails, the same ones he took care of very carefully to play volleyball. But he couldn’t care less. He needed his Hinata. 

Kageyama almost didn’t realize that Sugawara had arrived with Daichi until the latter shook his body, making his eyes snap open from his trance. His hands flew to hold Sugawara’s arms, pulling at his shirt. “Suga-san, Hinata, h-he...”

“I understand, Kageyama,” said Sugawara, holding back his own tears, “Shhh, he will be fine.” He watched over Kageyama’s hunched, broken figure with his glassy eyes. His lips trembled as he pulled Kageyama into a hug and tried to calm him down. The younger only started crying even harder. He had never been so scared in his life before. 

To Kageyama, he screamed and cried his heart out for hours. But Sugawara felt his body weaken after thirty minutes before eventually falling into a deep slumber. It was only natural that his body would collapse from the shock and all the crying. Sugawara then sat next to him, letting his junior lean on his shoulder. He took a look at Daichi, who sat across from them, head in his hands, visibly shaken as well. 

He looked at the emergency room door. For the life of him, he couldn’t understand why Hinata did that, and how he hadn’t noticed that Hinata wasn’t okay. 

Sugawara then closed his eyes, letting out a deep sigh. All they could do now is wait. He had to be the bigger person; he didn’t want to overlook the situation before Hinata explained. 

After some time of pure hell, the doctors finally came out. Sugawara was struggling with getting up because Kageyama was still asleep on his shoulders. Daichi stood up and asked for details. 

“He is fine, you don’t have to worry too much. He did lose a lot of blood, though, so it should be best that he takes some rest for the time being,” said the doctor. Daichi nodded, forcing out a polite smile. He hadn’t changed into clean hospital robes, and he saw the blood stains on them, probably from cleaning Hinata’s cuts. “Does he have a history with cutting, though? You might have noticed some signs before because we saw some, what might have been, old wounds on his waist and upper thighs. I did what I could for his physical state, but he might need further assistance.”

Daichi knew what he meant. But he still asked. “Further… assistance?” 

“A therapist.” 

“O-oh.”

After mumbling a small thank you to the doctor, he asked for Hinata’s room number as Hinata had been moved to a room they could enter. 

Daichi nodded towards Suga, letting him know that it was time to wake Kageyama up. When he did, he was in a trance for a while before Suga whispered to him that Hinata was okay and they could see him now. Kageyama immediately stood up, feeling the immense headache come back to haunt his head. Daichi walked in front and Kageyama had to stop himself from running to get to the room. He was keeping himself together, as parts of him started to crumble under his own thoughts. Suga could see that, but he didn’t really know what to do. He just rubbed Kageyama’s shoulder softly, like a reassurance to stir him back to reality. 

When they reached the room, Kageyama only walked in a few steps before his eyes landed on Hinata and he rushed over to his bed. Seeing Hinata so frail and small was hurting him enough, but the bandages covering his limbs pulled on his heartstrings. Suga and Daichi couldn’t believe what they were seeing. Hinata… the lovely, bubbly Hinata was laying on a hospital bed because of self-harm.

“Hinata…”

Kageyama’s voice came out as a broken, raspy whisper. 

“I don’t even know what to ask you when you wake up. Are you okay? Do you need help? What can I do to make you stop doing this? Or maybe I shouldn’t ask at all?”

His seniors held their breath as they watched their junior break down, as if he still had the energy to after doing so just a couple of hours ago. 

Kageyama never had to adjust himself to others before, so he never really tried to see what kind of person Hinata needed. But can you blame him? Hinata never showed an ounce of tiredness, never showed a hint of unhappiness. Never once had he cried in front of Kageyama, except if it was volleyball related, in which case they cried together. And those cuts, where the fuck did they even come from? He never saw them. How did Hinata even hide all of them? Did he do all that in a few hours? Why? 

He was scared to touch Hinata, he was scared to lift those tiny hands to kiss them, he was scared he would shatter him. 

Like a broken record, he kept mumbling things that Suga and Daichi couldn’t really make out. They were worried about him, though, so they stayed at the hospital until the nurses told them they needed to go. Overnight visits were allowed, but only for one person. And because Kageyama didn’t look like he would be moving anytime soon, they left after Suga left a pat on his junior’s shoulder. 

Since they were all minors, the hospital contacted Hinata’s parents so that they could check up on him when they returned from their trip, which was supposed to be in a week, but his parents booked the quickest flight home after the news. They were just as shocked as Kageyama. After he graduated middle school, Hinata had been spending less and less time at home, usually at practice or hanging out with friends. They just assumed that their son was okay. The whole journey home, they hated themselves for that assumption. Hinata’s sister didn’t really understand. She was too young, after all. 

The next morning came, and Kageyama’s eyes had gone numb a couple of hours ago, leaving him asleep by the bed. Suddenly, like the light sleeper that he was, he felt the bed move and woke UP. He sat up almost immediately. And there he was, Hinata, sitting upright. The boy was looking down at his limbs, expressionless. 

Kageyama didn’t know what to say. Hinata didn’t really seem to acknowledge him, either. The taller boy’s words were all gone. 

“I… have failed again, haven’t I?”

Hinata’s usual chirpy voice was gone completely. In front of Kageyama was a completely different person that he had never seen before. It was as if a switch was flipped and suddenly Kageyama didn’t know Hinata anymore. The boy was just too calm. He also had a small smile on his lips. Kageyama wasn’t sure what that smile meant. 

“I failed again,” Hinata whispered to himself, bringing his knees to his chest. He didn’t even wince at his wounds. “I am such a failure.”

“Hinata, what are you talking about?”

“Kageyama… you were the one who found me, right?”

Kageyama took one of Hinata’s hands into his own. He gave him a weak nod, trying his best to study the facial expressions of the smaller boy. Hinata didn’t resist, but his hand was limp. 

“Why did you stop me?”

It felt like a slap to Kageyama’s face. Tears started welling up in his eyes again even though they were starting to hurt from the amount of crying he had done. His mouth was agape, he didn’t know what to say. He held Hinata’s hand tighter, as if to tell the smaller boy that he needed him. He needed him alive. 

“Why did you stop me, Tobio?”

“Why are you asking me that? Of course, I stopped you, why wouldn’t I stop you from h-hurting yourself-”

“I never asked you to!”

Hinata had yelled at him time and time before. But never like this. Never with tears rushing down his cheeks, never with heartbreaking shrieks in between. He never saw Hinata so distressed. 

“I don’t ask for a lot of things, but I wanted this. I wanted to disappear. And nobody can even give me that?”

“You can’t leave me, Hinata,” begged Kageyama. His breathing was uneven now. Watching Hinata break down like this made him feel so useless, so weak, so small. “Hinata, what happened? Please, tell me.”

The said boy just kept crying harder and harder. Kageyama stood up so that he could bring his lover’s head close to his chest. He himself was so close to collapsing but he figured that this was all he could do. 

“Why didn’t you tell me all this, Hinata? Why did you suffer alone? How long have you been alone for?”

Kageyama was never the confrontational type; that was Hinata. But at that moment he just wanted to know what was going on in that little head, so that he could fit himself in between the cracks and fix them for him. It hurt for him to come face to face with the fact that he never noticed anything, but it hurt more for him to just let this be. 

But Hinata didn’t say anything else. He kept crying and crying, as if he was crying for every single thing that had gone wrong in his life. Sometimes, he would stop. Then, when Kageyama thought he had calmed down, a shriek would escape his lips and his body would start shaking. He would start trying to scratch at his arms but Kageyama tried his best to stop him. Kageyama wouldn’t know until a few days later that this was how a panic attack looked like. 

Hinata screamed and fidgeted, cried and scratched. It broke Kageyama that Hinata might have had to go through times like this all alone. Poor boy couldn’t stay still, but Kageyama had him in a death grip because he was so scared Hinata would hurt himself again. 

This went on for what felt like forever. When Hinata’s movements slowed down, the hold Kageyama had on him was softer, more like a caressing pair of arms instead of a cage. 

“I’m so sorry you had to see that. I’m so sorry, you must hate me, I-”

Kageyama pulled away to look at his boy’s face. All he could see inside those eyes was fear. Kageyama closed his own, placing a kiss on Hinata’s forehead. “I won’t ever hate you. I’m so sorry that I never knew you were going through this. Please, Hinata, don’t ever think that I’ll hate you for this.”

He didn’t realise that a tear escaped his eyes has he said so, falling on Hinata’s nose, and then to his hospital gown. “I’m here for you, okay?” 

Hinata was silent. He clung onto Kageyama’s shirt helplessly. Kageyama wish he knew what Hinata felt like. Was he feeling scared? Lonely? Relieved? 

It would have made it easier for Kageyama to save him. 

They stayed like that, neither had enough energy to say another word. They just took in each other’s presence like it was a gift, enjoying the comfortable yet painful silence. 

“Shoyo!”

Kageyama’s head turned to the door where he found Hinata’s family. They rushed in, his little sister tagging along, confused. Hinata somehow held him closer, possibly in fear that they would get mad at him. 

“Shoyo, darling,” said his mother, “Please look at me…”

Kageyama wanted to release himself from Hinata so that his mother could hold him, but the same strong grip told him otherwise. Hinata couldn’t bear to look at his mother. Kageyama knew this because his shirt was getting wet again, with warm tears. 

His mother’s eyes met Kageyama’s. Concern. Kageyama could see that. Yet there was some sort of relief as well. Maybe she was glad that her son wasn’t alone after the incident. But the moment her eyes fell back on her son, even he could tell that she wanted nothing but to hold him. He watched as her eyes began to water, looking at her son’s bandaged body. His dad whispered something to his mother before they both walked closer towards their son. 

“We’re not mad at you.” 

Hinata sobbed upon hearing his father, who then rubbed Hinata’s shoulders gently, afraid to hurt him because the bandages reached up to his shoulder blades. 

“Are you upset because of something we did?”

The boy shook his head slowly, still burying his face into Kageyama’s shirt. The taller boy’s hand was ruffling Hinata’s hair, trying his best to calm him down. 

Suddenly, a small hand was joining Kageyama’s. Natsu’s. She had climbed the other side of the bed to confront her brother. 

Hinata stopped crying, letting heavy breaths take over his body. He trembled under that small hand. Kageyama started to let him go slowly, letting him have enough room to look at Natsu. 

“Onii-san… what’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Her tiny, obnoxiously sweet voice seemed to move Hinata. The boy looked back at Natsu, his breath stuck in his throat. They all watched in silence as Natsu traced his bandaged arm, her big eyes trying their best to take in the sight and understand it. “Did you fall?”

Hinata turned his body towards Natsu, wincing a little as he did so. He gave his sister a sad smile. His voice was small when he said, “Yes, I did.”

“Did it hurt?”

“Of course not,” said Hinata. With every word he said, his voice was becoming even shakier, “I am a strong older brother, right?”

Natsu’s big eyes stared into his, the innocence in them was breaking Hinata piece by piece. “Then why are you crying, Onii-san?”

Hinata crumbled under those words. Mainly because he couldn’t find the answer for them. Instead, he pulled Natsu into his arms, despite them hurting like hell. “I’m sorry.”

Like a spell, a string of non-stop apologies just kept falling out of Hinata’s mouth. Kageyama stepped aside, as his parents joined the small hug. Before he decided to step out of the room, Hinata’s father gave his shoulder a small squeeze. He told him that he should get some rest and he was thankful that Kageyama stayed with his son, and that they would take care of Hinata for the time being. 

And Kageyama left the hospital that day. 

When the next morning arrived, his first thought was of Hinata. Like an impulse, he went and got ready a little too quickly. He had school in about an hour and if he just visited Hinata for fifteen minutes he would have time to go back to school before he would be deemed late; not that he would care if he was anyways, as long as Hinata was okay. 

His trip to the hospital lacked any sort of place in his memory as he rushed and skipped his way. It was only when he reached the hospital that he felt sweat on his forehead. He wiped it, before pointlessly running once more to Hinata’s room. Only to have found that he wasn’t there. Where was he?

Coincidentally, the doctor who took care of Hinata the previous day was in the same hall after checking up on another patient. He saw a confused Kageyama and decided to approach him. “I’m sorry, are you looking for the orange-haired guy?”

Kageyama looked taken aback. He nodded, a little confused as he didn’t remember who this doctor was (he was too busy worrying about Hinata). 

“They took my advice, his parents, I meant,” the doctor began to explain, “We saw some thin white lines while examining his body that indicated that this may have been a reoccurring thing. I thought it was best that he is put under proper supervision, and so they took him to a smaller hospital down the road, it’s kind of still a part of this hospital, but it’s more guarded for sure.”

“Guarded?”

“You can check for yourself, it’s hardly a five-minute walk from here and you’ll find the building easily.”

Kageyama couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t just tell him where Hinata was. But at the same time, he kind of had a guess… he hoped he wasn’t right, though. 

And as for the cryptic doctor, he just didn’t really want to explain to this kid that Hinata was in, more or less, a psychiatric hospital. He was fine with giving advices and all, but knowing how stressed this kid was yesterday, he wouldn’t be able to take the news very nicely. 

Not wanting to lose more time standing around, Kageyama gave him an awkward bow and went on his way. 

The doctor really wasn’t lying, just down the road, there was a smaller building with a similar structure. However, it somehow gave him a glummer feeling than the hospital did. He stood outside for a second, his legs refusing to come in. 

Psychiatric Wards

Did they think Hinata was crazy? The mere thought was already burning him in the inside. He was always the type to avoid problems, avoid bad thoughts, avoid everything that didn’t go his way. The reason? Because he hated overthinking. Though it still happened anyway, he realized, as more and more horrible thoughts invaded his mind. More than half of them was about his faults and the things that he might have done to Hinata. Or, well, hadn’t. 

So this time, before he got stuck in his overthinking state again, he took a deep breath. 

After asking the front desk about Hinata, he then went to find the boy’s room. Like before, he rushed his way. His mind was far too jumbled and for some reason something inside Kageyama told him that if he could just see Hinata as quick as possible, everything would just come to place. There were too many things he didn’t know, and he needed have the solutions to them. 

There was this void in his chest as he dashed closer and closer to Hinata’s room. 

When he reached it, he thought it was the wrong room. The sheer atmosphere just wasn’t that of Hinata’s. The tall boy walked closer to the bed to find Hinata looking out a wide window. Kageyama wasn’t so sure as to what to say or what to do. Because in front of him was Hinata, but he wasn’t Hinata. He thought he was just tired yesterday, but when the same feeling of unfamiliarity washed over him like it did the day before, he realized he wasn’t the problem. He wasn’t just feeling or seeing things. Hinata just wasn’t the same. 

He found himself longing for a greeting, anything. He was never in a situation where he had to initiate a conversation with Hinata. When he got nothing, he managed to say a small, “Good morning.”

Hinata finally looked back at him, his gaze empty. He sighed and gave him a tight smile. Kageyama wanted to believe that smile was genuine, but Hinata’s tired eyes told him otherwise. 

“Morning, Kageyama.”

Kageyama was finding himself frustrated over what to do. 

“Don’t you have school?”

He decided to hang on the littlest amount of curiosity he found in Hinata’s voice. 

“I wanted to see how you were doing,” said Kageyama. He walked closer to the bed, taking a seat at the edge of it. 

Hinata scoffed, “What’s there to see?”

“My sunshine.”

Hinata gave him another empty smile before it turned into a frown. He fidgeted with the edge of the hospital blanket, taking in a deep breath. “I’m sorry you have to see me like this, I didn’t know I would feel like this again.”

Kageyama’s eyes widened a little bit. He watched Hinata as the smaller boy glance up at him, maybe to see if Kageyama wanted him to explain. It was a shock after all. 

“Again?”

Hinata nodded. “The person I was before Karasuno. I thought none of you would have to see him.”

“Why?” 

“I thought I could finally be happy,” said Hinata, his eyes glistening. Tears were threatening to fall, but it was such an empty pain that he couldn’t cry anymore. “With you guys, I never thought I’d have to feel this again.”

Kageyama scooted closer, gently pulling Hinata’s head into his arms. His heart dropped a little when Hinata’s little arms didn’t reach up to hug him back. “What feeling are you talking about, Shoyo?”

“The feeling of being worthless,” he mumbled. 

2.

“Kageyama,” said the teacher. 

Kageyama’s empty stare fazed the teacher. He then raised his voice a little, crossing his arms. 

“Kageyama Tobio.”

That surely woke him up. 

“Is something bothering you, Tobio? Do you want to get out of my class?”

Kageyama’s eyes widened when he finally got ahold of the situation. He stood up almost immediately and bowed to the teacher, saying a quick sorry before he sat back down. The teacher shook his head. 

Hinata’s words just couldn’t get out of his head. He felt worthless. Why would Hinata ever feel worthless? The boy was so eager to help everyone, so much so that he always ended up really tired after school. If anybody was worthless, it was Kageyama. 

A brief memory passed through his head while he was thinking of this. 

That evening, him and Hinata had to stay at school and clean their class up because they were late to class in the morning. Of course, they were; sometimes they would sleep at the gym and then wake up to practice immediately before running off to the class. 

Like every other small activity, another bet was on the table. Whoever could clean more chairs than the other would get a meat bun.

Kageyama remember leaning against one of the tables, wiping his sweat off his forehead. Him and Hinata were always competitive, but Kageyama decided to let him win this one time. He moved his hands to the table, letting his weight rest on them. He watched Hinata, as the boy dashed from one area to the other, picking up every small piece of trash he could. The boy was sweaty too, but it didn’t bother him one bit. 

He smiled a little. 

“Hinata, why do you have so much energy?”

The smaller boy pulled his sleeves and wiped his forehead, panting for a second before steadying himself on one of the chairs. He gave Kageyama a huge smile before chuckling, “I don’t have anything else but that.”

Kageyama scoffed, motioning for Hinata to walk towards him. Hinata narrowed his eyes at him, a little suspicious. Kageyama laughed, giving him a look. “Just come here, boke.”

Once Hinata relented, Kageyama pulled him into his arms. There was this thing about Hinata, how tiny he was and how perfect he was in Kageyama’s arms. He let himself loose, gently holding the small of Hinata’s waist and lifting his other hand to ruffle that obnoxiously huge orange hair. Hinata smiled up at him, almost immediately hugging him back. 

“You have those adorable eyes.”

Hinata was a little taken aback, the king wasn’t one for such compliments. 

“You have that gorgeous smile.”

A blush had started to form on the smaller boy’s cheeks. 

“You have dreams, love and compassion.”

Hinata huffed, trying to hide his face. “Do you even know what that last word meant?”

“No, it sounded good in my head,” said Kageyama, laughing. “Do you?”

“Nope.”

They stayed like that, laughing in each other’s arms over trivial matters. 

“You’re beautiful, Shoyo.”

Hinata’s smile was the most beautiful thing Kageyama had ever seen. 

When his surroundings started to blur and his focus shifted to the empty seat beside him, he realized how dark his days were without the boy’s smile. It was only when you lose things, that you realized how much you miss them. He found it extremely painful to think of, but he now had one goal. 

He wanted to see Hinata smile again. 

Kageyama might not have known anything about this side of Hinata, but he would do whatever it took to bring his little sunshine back. 

He bought meat buns on the way to the hospital; he refuses to call it the psychiatric wards. Felt a little sad that he couldn’t have Hinata’s loud presence beside him when he did, but he managed. He was so worried about Hinata that he forgot he had practice that day, he only realized when he got the meat buns and then he gave Daichi a very apologetic text. Well, as apologetic as Kageyama could seem, that is. 

There was one thing he realized when he walked alone under the orange skies. 

How silent the world was without the people he thought was annoyingly loud. 

3.

Like it was in the morning, Hinata’s room was still quiet when he entered. Hinata was sitting on the bed, leaning against a pillow that was propped up on the headboard. This time, however, Hinata actually glanced over at him, his eyes still empty. Kageyama gave him a small smile, lifting the plastic bag of meat buns. He walked closer towards the bed and set his little gift on the bedside table.  
The bedsheets were cold when Kageyama sat in front of Hinata, his feet still on the ground because he didn’t want the bed to be dirty. He stared at Hinata, who had looked away and was just staring down at his own hands. 

“How are you?”

The smaller boy shrugged. Kageyama spoke again, “Well, what were you going to tell me this morning before I went?”

“It’s actually not that important. You can go home or- Oh, don’t you have practice today?”

“Err, about that,” Kageyama rubbed his neck, “I forgot about it because I rushed to get you meat buns.”

Hinata looked to his side. “Thank you.”

Before Kageyama could say you’re welcome, Hinata continued, “But I don’t really have an appetite.”

“Oh,” said Kageyama.

“It’ll be a waste to leave them here, you can bring them home.”

“No, it’s okay. In case you decide you want it after all.”

“That’s probably not going to happen.”

Throughout this conversation, Hinata hadn’t even looked at him. God, he had never been in this position, he had never been so awkward and distant when it comes to Hinata before this. 

“So, would you like to tell me more about what you said this morning?”

Hinata finally looked up at him again. 

“It’s not that important,” said Hinata. Kageyama looked into his eyes, trying to find something, anything. When he found nothing, he sighed and moved closer to Hinata, taking the boy’s hands into his own. 

“You are important to me.”

For a second, he thought he could see surprise in those brown eyes, but it went as quickly as it came. 

“What is there to tell you?”

“Anything, Shoyo,” Kageyama said, almost begging, “Tell me anything.”

“I feel nothing right now,” said Hinata. 

Was there really nothing? Or just not anything Kageyama could ever understand? 

“What happened to you?”

Hinata’s hands felt weak in his bigger ones. “Nothing. I didn’t ask for this.”

Kageyama gently rubbed his lover’s fingers. Trying to warm them. His heart was starting to get heavier. 

“So, you really, really can’t feel anything?”

Another blank stare. 

Kageyama’s head spun. His thoughts were jumbled. There were so many things he wanted to say yet none of them could escape his lips. 

Please stop lying to me, please stop telling me you don’t know what’s happening to you, if you don’t understand what’s going on then I’ll help you get out of it. Just tell me the truth. What are you feeling right now? Why are you here? Why is this happening all of a sudden? Just what is it that you chose not to tell me when we first became friends? When did you have to start having to fake smiles around everybody?

He’d like to think that in that moment Hinata could read all of these words hidden in Kageyama’s glassy eyes. But he’d never know. 

Kageyama lifted one of his hands to cup Hinata’s face, but Hinata moved away. The frustration and desperation in his voice broke Kageyama. “Tobio, please. I can’t do this right now.”

He just couldn’t understand. 

What was happening to his Hinata? 

Like always, he ended up listening to Hinata and left the room in silence. He was never good with words, but he really wished he was when he looked at Hinata one last time before leaving. He was weak. He was weak when he tried to keep himself from screaming on the way home. He was weak when he was finally alone in his room. He was weak when he had let the silence at home lead to even more thoughts. He was weak when a strangled sob finally escaped his lips. He was weak when he realized he was selfishly suffering on his own instead of trying to help. He was weak when he realized he didn’t know anything. He was weak when he realized that he didn’t really know as much about Hinata as he thought. He was weak. 

And for once, he wanted to admit it. 

4.

“He has clinical depression.”

Kageyama just looked at the doctor. The same one who had helped Hinata, and the same one who directed him to the wards the day before. He had since learned that he went by Dr. Fujinuma. After school, he had wanted to ask some questions before visiting Hinata. 

Despite not really knowing if he was allowed to ask, he asked anyway. “What are the symptoms?”

The doctor gave him a look, as if wondering whether or not telling him all of it was going to help. He cleared his throat before starting, “He might, or might already have anxiety. Sleep might also be a little more difficult. His appetite might increase or decrease rapidly, and he might get tired very easily.”

Before he continued, he glanced at Kageyama. The boy was looking down, unable to really form coherent thoughts as he listened. “He might also lose interest in things he has loved before. Suicidal thoughts may also affect him greatly. It is based on the person, really. Your friend isn’t my patient, so I am not very sure. I’m not in the psychology department either, these are just basic things.”

Fujinuma tried waving his hands in front of Kageyama’s face, but the kid’s brain seemed to have stopped after hearing one word. 

Suicidal. 

No, that had to be some kind of joke. 

Hinata was the brightest person he had ever known. 

“How... can someone so bright and cheerful… be depressed?”

“We never know,” said Fujinuma, a little more solemnly than before, “Everybody has monsters inside them. Some monsters are bigger than others, and sometimes people can’t fight against them alone. That’s why he has to be supervised.”

Kageyama was still spacing out in disbelief. After a few seconds, he took a deep breath and steadied himself, preparing for what he was about to ask. 

“What can I do to help?”

Dr. Fujinuma found the boy in front of him to be interesting; he barely looked sane and there he was asking him how he could fix Hinata. “Well, it’s different for everybody, it depends on two things though.”

Kageyama waited. 

“How well do you know him? That, and how strong can you be?”

“Me?”

The doctor nodded, “It’s not easy to take care of somebody who doesn’t want to be taken care of.”

Kageyama closed his eyes for a second before looking up at Dr. Fujinuma again, “That doesn’t matter, I’ll still do everything I can.”

Dr. Fujinuma smiled at him, “Well, then, he’ll be okay.”

“He has to be.”

And so, he went to Hinata’s room again. Not much had changed, Hinata was still sitting quietly. One thing that Kageyama noticed, however, was that the bandages were now off his hands and legs. He winced a little but tried his best to hid it before Hinata noticed he was looking at his limbs. Hinata wasn’t as toned as Kageyama, and it made it even harder to watch because there were just too many cuts for such a frail body. He knew better than to break down, though, because this was about Hinata, not him. 

“Good evening.”

“Hello.” 

Hinata looked a little surprised to see Kageyama come back even though he was rude to him the day before. Kageyama brushed it off, not wanting to make the situation awkward. 

“How are you?” 

Plain, but he was trying. 

“Fine,” said Hinata, giving him a side smile. It phased Kageyama how his first thought was that he wouldn’t have noticed just how fake that was if he didn’t know Hinata’s condition. 

Kageyama nodded, “Good to hear. I got you meat buns again.”

The smaller boy almost huffed; whining about how he had told him the day before that he didn’t want any. However, Kageyama simply ruffled his hair. “Shut up, dumbass. It’s okay if you don’t eat them. I’ll leave them here nevertheless.”

He expected him to yell at him, but when he got silence, he wasn’t sure what he felt. Was it relief? Was it disappointment?

Kageyama’s weight on the bed made Hinata turn his head towards the taller boy. They were sitting face to face, staring at each other. A soft smile made its way to Kageyama’s lips. “Shoyo.”

The boy simply watched him. 

“Is it fine if I ask you something?” 

Hesitantly, Hinata nodded. 

Kageyama brought his hand to cup Hinata’s face, gently rubbing his cheeks. “Do you still not feel anything?”

His eyebrows twitched. After a short pause, he took a deep breath and nodded, nuzzling into Kageyama’s palm. 

“Even like this?”

He leaned closer and kissed Hinata gently. Hinata didn’t kiss him back. This was a slap to Kageyama’s face; he could hear his heart beating in his ears. The passive, but strong, realization kicked in him. Or rather, it was more like a confirmation. A final word; His Hinata wasn’t okay. 

He pulled away with a shaky breath, resting his forehead on Hinata’s. He closed his eyes, his exterior falling apart. He didn’t want to cry in front of Hinata anymore. He wanted to be strong and offer help instead. But even so, a tear escaped from his eye. As it dropped on the bedsheets, he felt Hinata’s hand on his own. The touch was weak and uncertain, like some sort of apology. One Kageyama wanted to deny because Hinata didn’t do anything wrong. That didn’t mean it felt right to him either. 

“If I stay here and try my best to get you out of that hell, can you promise me you’ll be okay?”

First mistake. 

Kageyama felt Hinata’s body tense up. After a while, he heard him say, “Alright.” 

He opened his eyes to see Hinata’s lips curve up in a sad smile. Didn’t seem like a complete yes, nor did it seem genuine as a whole. It was something, at least, and Kageyama was going to hold on to anything Hinata gave him. 

Kageyama was sure that if he looked at Hinata any longer, he would break down completely. So, he pulled the boy into his arms and gently ruffled his hair. He told Hinata some stories rather awkwardly, how the boys would like to visit him soon and how a practice match was coming in two weeks. The smaller boy was silent the whole time, and as much as it pained Kageyama, he didn’t comment on it. 

“Practice match, huh?”

Were the first phrase he heard from the tangerine boy today. Kageyama’s eyes lit up a little. 

“You… will join right?”

That sad smile wasn’t enough of an answer for him, but he tried to smile back at him, nevertheless. 

“I’m looking forward to it.” 

He didn’t know what Hinata’s nod meant after that. The assuring gesture was paired with his strained expression, and Kageyama wanted to assume the best. 

The evening passed slowly, with Kageyama’s attempt at conversations and Hinata’s empty answers. At some point, Kageyama couldn’t even bear looking at him straight in the eyes. He was scared of Hinata’s blank stare, afraid that it meant he wanted him to leave. If he left, what would happen to the boy? He wasn’t even sure if he stayed to ease his own anxiety or if he stayed for Hinata. As much as it sounded normal to Kageyama, he later realized that he was thinking of himself, and his own defense mechanism. Maybe if he wasn’t so selfish… He could’ve been of some help. Maybe, just maybe, the news he’d get the next morning wouldn’t have to break him. 

5.

Kageyama’s eyes shifted from the blood stains on the hospital bed to Hinata’s family sobbing on the ground. He ran there the moment he got a phone call from Hinata, only to, instead, hear Hinata’s mother’s frantic voice from across the line. 

His lover, at dawn, had had a panic attack. The bandages didn’t stop him from scratching all over his body. After all the white layers were torn off, so were the wounds. Wounds that were deep, but Kageyama thought it was healing. Even if it was, however, the little boy scratched and scratched and sunk his nails into them. The blood stains on the bed should say enough. He couldn’t bear to listen to this description. Somehow, he felt numb. He couldn’t even feel pain. A state of disbelief that was on top of any other emotions, that was what he felt. Kageyama was lost. He was losing it. He didn’t believe in any of this. Everything had drastically changed in a few days and he didn’t even have a chance to turn it back around. His mind ran in circles, thought about what went wrong, thought about what he did that could possibly let the love of his life slip away from his fingers like sand. 

He refused to believe it, even when the funeral started and when Hinata’s relatives went up one by one to talk about his Hinata. His gaze was dark, lonely, grieving. His heart was numb. His ears were ringing. He couldn’t find it in him to break down. 

From the side of his eye, he could see Daichi sniffing, trying to stay calm as he looked over his broken team. Tanaka was in shambles, tears rolling down his cheeks like he’d never seen. Nishinoya was beside him, screaming at nobody in particular, that Hinata couldn’t go because there were so much he wanted to teach his favorite kouhai. Asahi, who had his head down, was next to Sugawara. The silver-haired senior seemed to try his best to comfort Nishinoya, telling him that Hinata was still with them, in their passion and efforts. 

When Nishinoya started screaming, “He’s GONE! And we’ll never get to see him again. He’s gone and now I don’t even have the chance to teach him all the things that made his eyes light up!” 

It seemed like Sugawara finally broke down and yelled back at him, telling him that he knew, he knew that Karasuno’s number ten was gone before he could even give him a decent number of tosses. He knew and he couldn’t blame anybody but himself for it. Everybody fell silent as Sugawara ran out the ceremony, Daichi coming with him. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were next to Kageyama. He could hear Yamaguchi’s sobs. Tsukishima hid behind his glasses, his breath being all over the place. Kageyama closed his eyes for a moment, looking around them to see even more friends Hinata had made along the way, but he knew that if he even so much as look at anybody else losing their minds for a second longer, he wouldn’t be able to keep his composure.

He was then called upon to speak. His voice started out clear, spelling out his tangerine’s name. He couldn’t get any further than that, however, because he started spiraling into his thoughts again. Saying that boy’s name just made him miss him even more. He felt as if his lungs were giving out, and his knees shortly stopped letting him feel the weight of standing up alone. In between his sobs, he called Hinata over and over again, as if it brought him comfort instead of more gut-wrenching pain. He still needed Hinata. Everybody did. Kageyama realizing how Hinata didn’t need himself anymore was just unbelievable. 

Their relationship was like those of two brothers, two best friends and two lovers. They fought constantly, pissed each other off constantly, made each other blush constantly, and many other things you would also find in couples who were very visibly in love. They were just really comfortable with one another’s presence. Hinata’s loud, bubbly personality melted the ice cold Kageyama. He could do it any time he wished, too, poor Kageyama was wrapped around his finger. How could Kageyama not be? That bouncy hair, that bright laughter, anybody could see that this boy was the purest creature that God had ever blessed this planet with. But he forgot at some point that God could also take him away from him so soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so so so much for reading!


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